Friday, March 16

All Said and Done

In continuation of the How To series, I present How to Make an Ass of Yourself in One Easy Sentence. It's really extremely simple. It sounds all impressive and stuff. You're probably round-eyed with anticipation. How, but how will she manage to pull this rabbit out of the hat, you think. I'm not a magician for nothing, dear sirs (and you, ladies of course. Looking very fetching today, we are, huh? *winks charmingly, chattering-magician ishtyle*). So here it is. There is no 5-step technique that I can teach you, no flowchart or easy-to-understand manual. But what I can (and will, never fear) do is provide tried and trusted examples from my life and hard-won examples from the lives of my friends and family (as in I won them by dint of much effort and diligent bullying and blackmailing). The top 10 for your edification (I didn't dare do the top 50 list I'd originally planned, lack of space and your patience and all that). So ta-da. Behold and Wonder.

1. The technician in your lab comes up to you, looking wildeyed and breathing irregularly, and asks you, "Have you seen Buffer P3?". You look him in the eye calmly and collectedly and say, "No. Are you looking for it?"

2. The fire alarm goes off at 3 in the morning and everyone's huddled in their jammies in the fire escape. You walk towards them, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and say, "Did the alarm wake you guys up too?"

3. Your best friend is crying in your arms about the boy who dumped her. You rub her back comfortingly and say, "There, there. I totally understand. He was so hot, wasn't he?"

4. That great aunt of yours who always terrifies you with her beady stare calls you to her chair and quavers "Happy B'day" at you. You reply with great aplomb (engendered by panic and petrification of the heart) "Umm. Thank you. You too." And then proceed to yell the same response verbatim 5 times (because she's completely deaf in both ears but will *not* wear a hearing aid) so that everyone in the room can know just what scales of idiocy they're dealing with.*

5. You want to get off the elevator at the 4th floor. You trip out of it lightly at the 5th floor itself (where it stops for some frazzled business man type guy to get on) and then smartly turn around, get back in and announce in the general direction of the upper atmosphere of the lift, "Wrong floor."

6. The guy at Subway has the weirdest Jamaican accent (or something!) and asks you "Chips and a drink?". You smile, nod knowingly and say "Debit."

7. You go to a Snow Patrol concert, sing along randomly with the opening act (cos you don't know the words and are just making them up as you go along) and then comment loudly to the guy standing next to you, "Wow! I did *not* know Snow Patrol was this good. They have so much energy."

8. Have a long winded conversation about Harry Potter, his hypothesized fate and that of Dumbledore while constantly referring to Snape as Snipe. With such conviction that the person you're talking to also refers to him as Snipe. Then realize half way through the conversation and descend into helpless giggling that is *not* relieved by the total bafflement on the face of the person you're talking to. (so I know this isn't a sentence but this ranks in my top 10 idiotic conversations-I've-had).

9. Try to break up with your bf and on the third attempt (cos you muffed the first two) end the phone call with "Love you" (Force of habit is a powerful thing *sigh*).

10. Your boss is walking towards you looking hassled and harried. She stubs her foot on the corner of your bench. Look at her sympathetically and say, "Awwww. That must have hurt."

Honorary Mention: You walk into Starbucks, stride purposefully towards the counter girl, look her in the eyes and say, "I want some coffee."

I tried to cover all commonly foreseeable situations in this comprehensive summary, ladies and gentlemen. For a more exhaustive survey (including the i-spilt-my-drink-all-over-my-date situation and the i-nearly-ran-over-you-because-of-my-horrendous-driving-but-if-i-keep-smiling-maniacally-maybe-we-can-pretend-it-never-happened-,-yes-? scenario) pliss to subscribe to my mailing list. And if you don't have natural idiotic-statement-making skills please don't subscribe. Cos it's a god-given gift and cannot be taught to all and sundry!

*This one makes sense only when I add that your great aunt and you do not share a birthday (or anything much else) in common


Cloudy said...

First :)

Lovvvvvved No. 6!!!! Some strange Deja Vu like feeling it had....

Kaushik, if you're claiming positions out of boredom, it's just the thing to do :) On the other hand, if it's out of meanness.... well, I don't really believe you're that mean!

Kaushik Gopalan said...

:D Classic.


Ha! Why not???

wiseling said...

hahah... beautiful!
i've actually done the birthday thing out of frazzled nerves.. teehee...

what mailing list? where do i sign up?

Revealed said...

@Cloudy: Hehehe. He *is* that mean!

@KG: I've defended you. Don't worry :D

@wiseling: I have too (as I've done most of the things on the list obvsly :P). You already have both my mail ids, hun. So if ever I start a mailing list you'll hear about it :D

wiseling said...

You have been tagged! muahaha

MockTurtle said...

#9 had me rolling. So true.

Nath said...

That great aunt of yours who always terrifies you with her beady stare calls you to her chair and quavers "Happy B'day" at you. You reply with great aplomb (engendered by panic and petrification of the heart) "Umm. Thank you. You too."

Been there. However, in my case, the aunt in question was neither terrifying not deaf.

You walk into Starbucks, stride purposefully towards the counter girl, look her in the eyes and say, "I want some coffee."

This one gets my vote. As if we'll ever see the day Starbucks starts selling coffee, instead of burnt bean-water.

Anonymous said...

I've had people asking me if i was working night-shift after they see me waiting for the bus at half past 9 in the evening! Not that its any skin off my back - but Duh!
Truly embarrassing (even if you're not the one who's said it)
I mean what else would i be doing there, waiting for a hooker!? [-(

Szerelem said...

You called Snape Snipe??????? NO!!!!

And you go to Starbucks and say "I want some coffee" and get the following response "Cafe Latte? Cappuccino? Espresso? Cafe Mocha? Macchiato? Tall? Venti? Grande? Do you want whipped cream? Any flavouring?...."

Revealed said...

@wiseling: You diabolic creature :P

@mt: *shudders* Let's not even talk about it :P

@nath: Heheh. It happens, it happens :D. Tell me about Starbucks!!! Have you tried their chai? Yikes and jeepers.

@BM: Maybe it's just the way you look ;)

@Szerelem: I think there's poetic justice in calling him Snipe :P. Still makes me giggle thinking about it though :). Re: starbucks. Blah! as you so well put it :D

Nath said...

...neither terrifying not deaf.


Anonymous said...

Below the belt!!
Depressed beyond words..

P.S. - KG, spare us the cyclic redundancy test - this IS BM :)

Tabula Rasa said...

as the folks at fosters would put it, snipe is australian for snipe.

Revealed said...

@nath: substituted :)

@BM: Awwwwww. Take it back completely :D

@TR: Zackly! I was just indulging in Aussie speak :D

Sunshine said...


Lol :D. Girl, you really are something.

Revealed said...

@SS: Hmmmmm. Suspicious :P. Wish I knew what it meant :D

maya said...

like Mt i 2 luvd #9 :)

Revealed said...

@maya: Hehehe. :P
Glad misery makes you ppl happy!!

Anonymous said...

so..mockturtle broke up with his(?) boy friend???
on a mountain perhaps?

Revealed said...

@tmwwt: Gotta ask MT that. But y mountain? /:)

(did i miss something)

Anonymous said...

err..well you know.."broke" again-->back ( thou shalt not ask how) and can mountain be far behind?

and pray what is TMWWT? :|

Revealed said...

LOL! That was an even worse pun! TMWWT is who I assumed you were (apparently erroneously). So reveal yourself! I command you! :D

Anonymous said...

well that was just homes"pun" you know...and well I might or might not be TMWWT...:p But then I wonder what makes you "guess" a non could be one or the other? Style of writing and pattern of thinking exposed in viewpoints comes readily to mind...but other than that?

Revealed said...

Sixth sense? Intuition? :P

No, it was based simply on style of writing and thought process and healthy disregard for any of my opinions :)

Anonymous said...

..healthy disregard for any of my opinions :)
now now dont hit below the belt...:)
If I didnt think your points were worth responding to or if I didnt have anything to say I simply wouldnt have. Period. Sure maybe we agree to disagree over a lot of things but I am interested why you think the way you think . If I have come out as being arrogant and intransigent it just is unfortunate...not intentional...:)

Revealed said...

@tmwwt: No, no. Don't get all nice on me, now :P. I'll have a heart attack and won't be able to continue posting and then where will you go for entertainment? You have to cover all your bases, see? :P
And it was totally below the belt :D. Pliss to forgive n all that :)