Friday, August 31

In Which the End Ends (as does the Story! the Lord be Praised)

Baron JAP, his nerves throughly shot to pieces, buried his head in his hands and all TR could hear from him was "Oh no, Oh no, We're all going to Die." At least that's what TR *thought* he was saying. TR was more preoccupied with the fact that the car now under no control whatsoever was careening forward at close to 150 mph since JAP had decided to rest his foot on the gas pedal. "Hold the wheel, you old fool", yelled TR as loudly as he could. "Hold the wheel, papa", yelled RCW as loudly as she could. The last thing TR heard was the ear-splitting shriek that RCW emitted before there was a resounding cacophony of noises and a cloud of smoke surrounded by the stench of burning tires.

"No, actually", said the handsome stranger (who on closer inspection, it struck Baron F, looked derangedly handosme), "I'm Renovatio.........the Ripper! Muahahahaha.". "What?", BM asked politely. She could have sworn he'd said he was Renovatio the Ripper and he was laughing in what one could only call a psychotic manner. "He sez he's Renovatio deRipper", said Baron F, "whoever *that* is." BM turned back to John/Renovatio to explain that she didn't know him though she had first mistaken him to be a guy she used to know who had once written a poem for her in 7th grade, but really she didn't know any Renovatios from a deRipper family. Before she could say a word, Renovatio whipped out a knife from his pant pocket (like who keeps a knife there! he was *obviously* psycho) and brandished it in her face. The last thing Baron F remembered was the ear-splitting shriek that BM emitted before there was a resounding cacophony of noises and a cloud of smoke surrounded by the stench of burning tires.

Wiseling and CS viewed the scene from above. "But who was the girl who was crossing the road, daughter mine", asked CS in some concern. "Oh I believe she was some kid called Scout or some such. She was like the sister of someone in one of those cars. Who knows these things, mama? All the king's horses and all the king's men cannot put Destiny together again. An egg in time saves ninety nine chickens before they hatch." she ended hurriedly, hoping she had obscured the narrative enough. CS nodded wisely, "Yes, yes. Besides these humans need to be squelched a little. Survive everything they do. And multiply like rabid dogs." Wiseling wanted to point out that rabid dogs weren't really known for their breeding skills but the thought of making that a 55er exhausted her and she stopped herself just in time. "OK, m'dear our work here is done. The honor of our family remains unbesmirched", CS declaimed in satisfaction. The two women of the proud 55er-Oracular race looked at each other in triumph, their smiles slowly turning into laughter. The gloomy skies filled with cackling as they faded back into their own world.


Thursday, August 23

In Which the End Begins

BM fumed to herself silently. Damn this idiotic chap-from-the-backseat. Like who did he think he was. Without doubt the most annoyingly un-useful male person she had ever met. She glared at him. He had edged away till he was almost stuck to the passenger-side door. Like what did he think she would do to him. Very tempted, she was, to just lean over, open the door and push him out. He seemed to be attempting to write on a scrap of paper, though how anyone could even attempt that in a car going at 90 mph she couldn't fathom. "Hmmph!"

Was that a snort now? Baron F looked up from the poem he was trying to write. Inspiration had just struck him (very inconvenient this inspiration was, always popping up when it wasn't wanted, like a bad Penny) in the form of a poem (a villanelle actually, which would be palindromic, arrhythmic and at the same time able to do magic tricks while standing on its head) and he had to get it down on paper before it evaporated right out of him. And his train of thought had just been confronted with a human tied to the tracks right in front of it. Some people might have said it was just a snort, shrugged it off and got on with the job. But some people were just not sensitive, artistic souls. Baron F glared at BM. Before he could launch into his witty, yet subtly cruel cut at Women who Snorted Inappropriately, he was interrupted by a squeal. "What is she doing here??!! What is she *doing* here?? OMG! She's going to die!!! OMG". Baron F turned around just in time to see a rather fetching young woman running across the highway. The highway! He wasn't surprised that BM appeared to know this person. Just the sort of insane woman he would expect BM to associate with. Their car had come to a screeching halt and Baron F wasn't in the least tempted to see what the cars right behind them were doing. He saw no point in facing Death grimly. He much preferred the idea of turning his back on It and pretending It wasn't happening.

The smart black Jaguar behind them swerved just in time to avoid Crazy Highway-crossing Woman and then impressively swerved just in time to avoid their car (now parked in the middle of the highway) and even more impressively came to a neat halt less than 2 inches from their trunk at a 45 degree angle. The driver stepped out, checked to see if there were any scratches, smiled in satisfaction at seeing none on his gleaming hood, removed his DnG sunglasses and walked towards their car. He tapped on the driver's window, waited for BM to lower it, blinded her with a brilliant smile (displaying the cutest dimples ever!) and asked, "Are you ok there, Miss?" BM's heart did a little pole dance in the confines of its bony cage, took a bow and then eased up on her lungs enough for her to croak, "John?"

Friday, August 17

In Which the Author Ruminates on the Callousness of her Readers

It strikes one that none of you lot (readers you call yourself! gah!) even realized that the title of the last post had nothing to do with the post itself. Not one of you Blunt-quoters commented on the fact that not only did Ph *not* wake up to a new dawn, she didn't wake up at all! Not one of you, *obviously*, bothered reading the title. One feels very unappreciated. Very.

However one is not the sort to hold grudges. One is not the kind of person who sniffs at people, tosses her hair and walks off huffily (fact one does not know how to walk (off or on) huffily). So, fortunately for you unconcerned folk, one is soldiering on (heroically) with one's story. Even in the face of much unappreciation. And unconcern. And general utterly bloody-minded callousness.

It would appear, to the lay-eye, that KSA and Sis have quite the advantage on Wiseling because did they not after all have atleast a 3 hour headstart while Wiseling was indulging in hysterical door-slamming bawlings and other such goings-on? Said lay-eye would in all fictionality be incredibly mistaken simply cos 55er-Oracles are Special People. Very Special People. Time and space bend at their will. In fact the Author has even heard Rumors that 55er-Oracles are the Very Creators of Time and Space. Having thereby summarily dismissed of any headstart KSA might have had, one can safely proceed with the Big Showdown Scene in which Everyone Gets Involved (not with each other (though you will have your luuuurve interest, BM, not to worry) but in the Scene). Though KSA was the first to stand up and admit that his Sis scared him witless (he would even go so far as to say she Terrified him), there are Times in every Man's life when such emotions as fear (and even Terror) take a back seat. They get up and politely vacate their front-row VIP seats for the village Elders namely, Love and Lust (this is cue for Adult Jokes *pointed glance in BM's general direction*). At Times like this, even the weakest of men, even the KSAs of the world are the first into battle, leading the charge so to speak. So it was that for the first time in their lives, KSA and Dobby were charging down the freeway ahead of the thundering hooves of Thunder. They could see the Aston with its precious cargo on the road in front of them and all KSA could hear was his heart pounding in his ears (very anatomically mobile the heart is one feels. For an organ that is. A bit unsettling.). Or it was Thunder's hooves (which normally built up to a crescendo within 5 minutes of any journey). KSA couldn't decide which. But either way it made a pleasant change from those damned bugles, he felt. As he was ruminating sadly on bugles and associated paraphernelia of every Knight's unfortunate lot, KSA heard a shriek and turned back to see his Sis gesticulating at him frantically. He couldn't hear anything over the pounding of his heart (or Thunder's hooves, he was still undecided) but his male inuition told him that Sis was trying to tell him something. Maybe even something Important. She looked a little red in her face. He gulped.

As KSA stared at his sister's face, moving closer to death (by Murder) with every jog of good ol' Dobby, Wiseling swooped down to the Professor's ear. She had decided that invisible was the best fashion move for the nonce. Shimmering slightly in waves of invisibility, she leant down and whispered, " Peace to all who leave this place and health to all who take their daily Vitamins. Especially Vitamin D as the most recent research suggests. Don't count your eggs before they have a great fall. Because all the king's horses and cabbages taste different. Based on the salt content. Reach for the battle or die.". She whispered the 'die' sibiliantly (55er-Oracles can add sibiliants to a non-sibiliant word. It's another of those special powers they have.) The Professor looked around wildly, almost knocking JAP on the head with his elbow, as he swished his hands over his right ear (head and ear belonging to one, Rasa, Tabula, Professor, not one JAP, Baron, Esq). "What? What?", yelled JAP swerving wildly as he instinctively burrowed deep into Panic Mode. "Did you say die or fly?", yelled the Fessor, even louder and in even franticer accents. Wiseling sighed. These old men and their deafness. Quite a trial. "Peace to all who leave this place and health to all who take their daily Vitamins. Especially Vitamin D as the most recent research suggests. Don't count your eggs before they have a great fall. Because all the king's horses and cabbages taste different. Based on the salt content. Reach for the battle or die." JAP jumped violently in his seat. He was clutching the wheel in a deathgrip. It was a pity that he was pointing it in a direction perpendicular to the rest of the traffic but that was probably because he wasn't looking at the road. "DID SOMEONE JUST SAY DIE????", he bellowed at TR, causing the last remaining ear cells in TR's left ear to throw up their hands and contemplate throwing themselves at Death's mercy.

In the backseat, RCW came to, slowly. Her eyelashes fluttered and she winced. Noone likes to wake up from a long nap with people yelling in their ear. She frowned and opened her eyes.

Saturday, August 11

In Which Ph Awakens to a New Dawn

Because I have exams next week. Because I have a huge list of things I'm supposed to know like the back of my hand by now. Because I've spent the better part of the day revising this list in such a way that though the number of things to do on it keep decreasing the amount of work I have to do appears to increase every time I look at it. Because I've eaten all the cookies in the cookie jar (double chocolate chip, totally delish). Because I've made three cups of tea in the course of three hours (and jasmine tea *is* proper tea!). Because I've run out of funny faces to make at my phone camera and send to everyone I know (mainly because some of them promptly sent back pics. The pain of seeing other people out shopping (thank you, bm) almost killed me. So.). Because my idiot roomie who was supposed to come back early so that we could go out and do something fun is still not back. Because I can't think of anything else to do that'll keep me from that awfully big textbook sitting on the bed next to me. Because, basically. I present the one in which KSA finds Ph (and surreal is all you're going to get (sorry Unkel ji) but surreal isn't all that bad. Really.).

The set up, you must admit, jobless reader, is perfect. We have two cars (both beauts, I hear) racing on the highway. We have a father on a desperate chase united with his beloved daughter (the Apple of his Eye) but in the process losing his equally beloved car (Sophie's Choice, one might almost say). We have an intrepid car-thief (with the coolest handbag for which crime I might have to kill her off) and a umm..well a Baron F. We have a damsel in distress who has captivated the heart of a Knight in Shining Armor (the KSA in question might or might not be the anti-Falstaff. But sshhh let's not give everything away). We have the gourmand, bibliophilic sister of the KSA (what do we call her?) and we have the prescient 55er-Oracle who has just swtiched camps. We, more excitingly, have the KSA and Sis in hot pursuit of the d-i-d who herself is en route to Portugal. Will Baron JAP take his daughter home considering a car lost simply a car gained. Or will he count a car lost, a heart broken and insist on recovering it? Will Ph think fondly of the handsome face (well, helmet and plume if you want to nitpick) of KSA and sigh as she loses herself in the rambling, rose-smelling maze of lurrrveee? Will KSA triumph over his alter-ego and claim the hand of his damsel-in-distress? Will ??! ever forgive KSA for interrupting her dreams of floating truffles? Will TR survive in the company of the strung out JAP? So many questions.

But none of these will be answered here-in. Instead let us focus our attentions on Wiseling, our 55er-Oracle. While some (numbskulls!) might sneeringly allude to comparisons with James Blunt, the truth of the matter is that the Wiseling's actions are imperative for the safe coming together of this entire story (the tunnel, in fact can be seen at the end of all these lights, never fear, folks).We left the Wiseling in a huff. Slamming doors onto empty rooms and making general drama. But not for nothing is she an Oracle. She unerringly knew where to go in her time of need. In her moment of truth. In her nadir of hurt despair. She floated with determined wafts to her house, flung in without knocking and throwing herself into her mum's arms, cried her eyes out. "Awww honey. There, there. Things are going to be fine. Who did this to you, then? Who?", murmured CS soothingly as she patted her daughter's back. "They- I mean- The gall- I didn't- Shut up-", sobbed Wiseling incoherently. "Yes, yes, I understand. How could they.", stated CS gently, getting up to get her daughter some water. At the end of a tear-filled 5 minutes, CS had the whole story. "How dare they?!", she said, her eyes flashing magnificently. "But daughter mine, this is not the time for tears and coming home. This is the time to go fight. We cannot let our proud name be insulted in this fashion. We are not the 55er-Oracles for nothing". The Wiseling drew herself up. "What do I do, mum?", she asked. CS' mouth became a straight line. "There is only one way, daughter. Find the Professor. He is the key." The Wiseling nodded. Hadn't she suspected this herself. "I won't return till we are avenged, mum", she said, turning back at the door. CS smiled proudly. "Daughter", she said. The Wiseling looked at her. "?" "You're forgetting your 55s.", she reminded her with maternal sympathy and a blow-softening smile. The Wiseling blushed, nodded at her mum and closed the door softly behind her as she left.

Friday, August 3

In Which the Plot Moves Along Gently

They rode for a couple of minutes in silence. Mainly because TR couldn't hear himself think over the ringing in his ears. He had collected himself enough to deposit RCW in a crumpled heap in the back of the car. She appeared to be fast asleep. In fact so asleep it bordered on comatose. But he decided not to draw JAP's attention to that yet. JAP seemed a little high strung at the moment. He stole a glance at JAP and gingerly cleared his throat. JAP started a little causing the car to swerve and almost scrape the paint off the smart Lincoln cruising along in the next lane. TR winced. Both of them studiously avoided looking in the direction of the red-faced Lincoln-driver who appeared to be well-versed in the art of what is known in some circles as furious articulation. Obviously throat clearing was not the way forward. TR decided to sit back and await proceedings. He didn't want to spend too much time thinking about the events of the past half an hour because 1. he didn't know if he'd imagined them or they had really happened 2. he suspected that they had really happened 3. he was hoping desperately that they hadn't really happened. Besides JAP was armed and dangerous. Prudence seemed a very viable option.

Baron F looked at BM with all the fear in his heart showing in his eyes. "Whatever you do, please try not to use that voicebox of yours at maximum efficiency again. Please. Just put your upper lip down to cover your mouth and we can talk about this. Rationally. And quietly. No sudden sounds, now. Just keep your voice frequency where I can still hear it. Your last attempt was quite harrowing." He paused, looked down at his trembling hands and added, "And unsightly." BM didn't hear a word. "What just happened? Huh? Huh? What? Who is this woman? This female? What happened to the other one? Don't just sit there, for heaven's sake! Do something!!!" Baron F was bewildered. Noone in all his years inhabiting this planet had ever asked him to *do* something! Did this woman not know that he was a Baron? Did she not realize that he didn't go around *doing* things?! And *of course* he would just sit there! This was his way. He sat around. Sometimes he read obscure authors. Sometimes he drank wine. Sometime he wrote poetry. Sometimes he made up stories with terrible punchlines. Sometimes he did all of it together. How could anyone ask more of him? He looked at BM with undisguised horror. Something told him that an all-moving force had just met an immovable object.

Enough was enough, she decided to herself. I mean, she was a 55er-*Oracle* for pity's sake. People normally had to *pay* for her services. And here was this grumpy ??! yelling at her to shut up? Shut up??!! Sheesh. She didn't have to take this. Hmmph. Not for nothing had her mum named her Wiseling (this of course was *before* they'd found out about her oracular tendencies, otherwise she'd have been named Delphi). She was leaving and what was more she was leaving to a Better Place. She turned on her heel and flounced out, slamming the door behind her. For effect. Maybe the room was empty, maybe ??! and KSA had gone away on a horse's egg hunt, but the effect still remained. So there!

So when Flaffy promises nepotism, Flaffy produces nepotism. Watch all 4 (by clicking on *both* the links) and pliss to give me feedback.